10 Reasons I Think Santa Hates Me

10. He always goes on break when I approach him at the mall.  (He's also not too thrilled when I wait for him outside the mall bathroom either. What? Is that creepy?)

9. He never answers my letters.  In fact lately he's been referring them to the FBI for some unexplained reason. Why can't they send Scully over for those interrogations?

8. Peed on him one time when I was like 3.  Dude must hold a serious grudge.  It could have been worse...trust me.  The Easter Bunny knows what I'm talking about.

7. He discovered my secret plan to kidnap one of his elves and make him my own little personal toy maker.  I mean seriously...the guy has like a hundred of them - can't he just spare one?


6. Make one smart-ass remark that Steve Jobs is "the real Santa Clause" and the guy gets all sensitive.  I mean...Jobs does come up with some pretty cool toys himself. 


5. He refuses to eat the cookies and milk I leave for him.  I never claimed to be a baker.


4. Got angry one year because I laced the reindeer's carrots with my mom's sleeping pills.  What?  My friends in 3rd grade didn't believe me he had flying reindeer and I was hell bent to show them.  It was double dog dare and you've got to represent when you are double dog dared!


3. He quit giving me coal and started giving me BP stock in my stocking last year.  Hmm come to think of it, based on yesterday's closing bell I might should have held on to that.

2. I once may have remarked to my friend that it would be a toss up between Cheryl Ladd and Mrs. Clause as to who was hotter.  It was like June - who knew he had his listeners tuned in that early and that he was so jealous.



1. The son of a gun refuses to bring me an Xbox 360.


Here's hoping you and yours have a very safe and Merry Christmas!


Ripple On!!!